Review - Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (with Commentary!)

Keeping with the Christmas spirit, this week my friend Katelynn E (who writes semi-regularly at Duchess Thoughts) and I sat down at our kilometres-apart computers and watched the Rankin and Bass stop-motion classic Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer together. Our chat feed was not silent.

DL: Let's be on our merry way!

KE: righteo!

On introductions and snowman mobility.

DL: Ahhhh,, this music.

How is [Sam the Snowman] moving. He is just butt shuffling.

It's weird, but because of this special I was used to the idea of Santa being thin.

Rudolph, the German Reindeer       

On reindeer neurochemistry.

KE: i want to know how that nose lights up. like, biologically.

but then...i guess that would lead to questions of how reindeer fly

DL: IT'S THE POWER OF CHRISTMAS

Our heroes rally around the family with a pocket full of shells.

KE: supportive parents. male reindeer are dicks

DL: Ahhh reindeer racism.

"Non-conformity." FIGHT THE POWER

KE: Rudolph and Hermie clearly need to be counter-cultural figureheads

DL: Arctic hipsters.

KE: I want to see Rudolph in hipster glasses. $10 its fucking adorable

DL: And a scarf!

I think I know someone with Hermie's haircut.

KE: FIGURE OF THE COUNTERCULTURAL REVOLUTION

oh my god...do you mean Conan O'Brien?!

DL: No, someone I know personally, but the comparison is apt.

Now I want to hear Conan redub all of Hermie's lines.

On elfin music.

KE: i didn't realize that being an elf led to such limited career choices. I feel like elves and English majors have many similarities

i love how much Santa hates this song

DL: Santa needs someone to drop the bass.

Elfstep

KE: he needs a beer

that'll fatten him up right away, if that's what the missus is worried about

also, do these elves have issues with identifying their siblings and significant others? is that a thing that even exists?

DL: I like to think they're a hivemind.

Like ants.

KE: Santa is delightfully erratic. he's like a manic pixie dream girl

right now he's out dancing in the snow and naming the individual flakes

DL: Zooey Deschanel IS Santa Claus.

KE: her middle name is Claus. fact

DL: I am really disappointed to discover that isn't fact.

Our hero attends school.

DL: "Awww shit, does. Be my wingman, Rudolph."

KE: cue pick up line involving "horny"

DL: "Even though I'm your instructor, but I want to be your pal." Someone call the reindeer cops.

KE: i love their eyes when they go all wonky. best is the reaction when Rudolph loses the fake nose

DL: "What's so funny about the way I talk?" "Dunno, you just sound like prepubescent Robert DeNiro."

KE: i was going to peg him for Ryan Gosling's weird Brooklyn accent thing hahah

HARLOT

DL: Rudolph has more game than I have.

KE: people didn't give Rudolph nearly enough credit for his social skills, in my humble opinion

LOOK AT HIS EYES

DL: Those reindeer are freaking the fuck out.

KE: "LOOK AT THE BEAK"

On the subject of Santa’s bigotry.

DL: Man Santa is like super nose-racist.

KE: Santa is seriously judgemental. I'm trying to decide whether this makes him more or less qualified to compile a list of Good and Bad

DL: Santa: basically bearded Hitler.

Our hero makes some moves.

DL: I love how little girl reindeer sounds like a full grown woman.

KE: girl reindeer mature faster than boys. fact

DL: Perhaps the only way in which this special is in any way scientifically accurate.

KE: my entire life is spent in defying science. might explain my obscene love for this thing

DL: I just like creepily jerky animation.

           

Our hero meets another hero.

KE: Rudolph just makes friends so easily. Look at him go

DL: Man, this becomes really sophisticated if you think of Rudolph as an analogue for African-Americans and Hermie is a gay dude trying to make it in repressed early sixties culture.

KE: this is so much more than a Christmas tale. its all empowering to eccentric children

           

Our heroes happen across JESUS CHRIST WHAT IS THAT THING.

DL: Okay, real talk: I was so afraid of the abominable snow monster as a child I would hide BEHIND our TV, so I would be out of his line of sight.           

KE: hahaah i could never take him seriously, because our favourite line was about Bumbles bouncing

Our heroes meet a prospector.

KE: GOOOOOLD!

Yukon Cornelius, distant cousin of Goldmember.

DL: Ewwwwwww

           

On the plight of the gold-fed squirrel.

KE: squirrels are clearly superior to humans, they have no sense of the material worth of that gold. they're just pissed cause they're now going to starve to death

DL: "Guess we'll have to eat the children again."

KE: they're going to live on a liquid diet cause they broke off their teeth trying to eat gold

Our heroes reach the Island of Misfit Toys.    

                   

KE: "NO CHILD WANTS TO PLAY WITH A CHARLIE IN THE BOX"

DL: I would. Actually some of those toys look pretty neat.

KE: i want that elephant

DL: Oh that jelly bit was dirty.

OSTRICH COWBOY

KE: THE OSTRICH COWBOY IS THE BEST ONE

I would literally adopt all of those misfit toys

i always picked the Beanie Babies that nobody wanted

DL: "How do you like that? Even among misfits you're misfits!" "Yukon, shut the Hell up."

KE: hahaah Yukon tells it like it is

DL: King Moonrazor is the real hero.         

Our heroes confront the Bumble.

KE: Bumbles have manboobs

that laugh is...quite sinister, i must say

DL: And how!

KE: i didn't think he had it in him to be so diabolical

DL: I wish one of those dogs was a corgi.  

KE: those little legs wouldn't fare well in all that snow

DL: Christmas corgi!

I was thinking of the hipster allusions, and now I want to see Joseph Gordon-Levitt as Hermie in a live action remake.

Hermie cold ripped out that thing's teeth.

KE: hahahaah the cold of the North would numb his bumble gums

YUUUUKON

DL: BUMBLEGUMS

KE: lord, i'm so unintentionally witty

           

Our heroes fight the power.

DL: "Now that you've helped out, we don't hate you for your appearance as much."

KE: Santa puts himself on his own Naughty List this year

DL: Santa is the real villain.

Bumble wants a job. He isn't a parasite.

AYN RAND'S RUDOLPH

KE: He's reformed!

BUMBLES BOUNCE!

On the cultural expectation of Santa’s corpulence.

KE: THE CHILDREN DON'T EVEN SEE SANTA WHAT THE HELL DO THEY CARE?!

HE'D FIT DOWN THE CHIMNEY BETTER SKINNY

THE LOGICAL FLAWS

Now I just feel like a dick for being hypercritical of this beloved classic

           

On terrible parenting.

DL: "I knew that nose would be useful someday, I knew it all along." NO YOU DIDN'T, YOU HORRIBLE FATHER.

KE: i love that the reindeer are useless. just standing around chatting. because they're deer and don't have hands

DL: "All I want for Christmas is opposable thumbs."

           

Let’s just not talk about this bit.

KE: HOW DID HE PUT THAT WEIGHT ON IN 5 MINUTES

WHAT HO, WHAT IS THAT DEMONRY!?

also, "thanks mama". their marriage is dead. like...they're roommates now

DL: I bet Santa is into some freaky shit.

KE: EWWWW

DL: :D

KE: Cornelius on the other hand...

DL: He can't finish unless he's covered in gold paint

Wait... yupp. That is the worst thing I've ever written.      

KE: I can't even respond to that hahaha

           

On the Misfit Toys’ absolution.

DL: "I haven't even dreams left to dream." emoooooo

KE: NOOO no dreams left to dream!! that's the saddest line of the whole movie

new idea; i want the bear on the bicycle

DL: Square-wheeled train for me.

KE: I LOVE THAT THEY GIVE THEM UMBRELLAS

adorable

impractical. but adorable

DL: Except for the bird, who could fly all along.

Oh my God, he was faking his misfitness.

HIPSTER TOY

KE: cause he knew that being a misfit was going to be super cool in the end

misfit before it was cool


You can find more of Katelynn's work at Duchess Thoughts.