Analysis - Constructive Therapy

I want to buy a Lego set.

No joke. A Lego set. Or Meccano, or K’Nex, provided they still make those. And not some highly specialized Star Wars ship or Lord of the Rings set piece kit, but one of those huge buckets most of you reading had as a kid, with God knows how many pieces, all of which presented choking hazards.

Review - The Annotated AvP: The Story, part 15

Holy crap, guys. It’s been nearly a year and a half but we have reached the end of my terrible Aliens vs. Predator fanfiction novel. We’ve had a lot of laughs, and we’ve felt a lot of pity, but it’s time to replace this digital tome in the virtual stack from whence it came. Let’s see off these alternately idiotic and morally depraved characters, shall we?

Review - The Annotated AvP: The Story, part 14

Holy crap, guys. What you’re about to read is the penultimate entry in the now over yearlong critique of my preteen Aliens versus Predator 2 fanfic. I have actually devoted over twelve months of my life to compiling this, which is possibly longer than I spent writing the damn thing back in grade school.

With the morally appalling Predator Swift-Death having accomplished what he set out to do, much to the chagrin of General Rykov and pretty much anyone forced to read this, we track jackass Marine Andrew “Frosty” Harrison and talkative Alien Jimrakh as they attempt to rescue the Empress.

(from AvP: The Story, chapter XVI – To End it All)

Right about the time when the rest of the Marines entered the POC, Harrison, Jimrakh and the accompanying were making their way down the dark, cavernous tunnels. For the past hour, Harrison’s motion tracker had remained silent. Still, Jimrakh was at his ready.

Not at the same time, mind you. Just right about. Little me seemingly could only give enough of a damn at this point to ballpark it.

Obituary - Roger Ebert, 1942-2013

Roger Ebert died this week. For close to half a century, the man’s name and image were synonymous with the very idea of film criticism, far and away the most recognizable person in his field and, in many ways, the most accessible. An active presence on social media networks for the last few years of his life, he arguably connected with his readers more than most critics half his age. And perhaps most importantly, his work showcased humility and unguarded humanity, even in the last week of his life.

Review - The Annotated AvP: The Story, part 13

Holy God, I can’t believe we’re on the third-to-last chapter of this thing. To think that some half-cocked idea I came up with to satisfy an approaching deadline last winter has become the longest-running feature on this site. That’s actually… kind of sad. Ah well, beggars can’t be choosers. For your “enjoyment,” Predator warrior and all out vain bitch Swift-Death reaches the conclusion of his gaiden in this month’s edition of the Annoted Aliens versus Predator: The Story.

Review - The Annotated AvP: The Story, part 12.5

Sorry for leaving all y’all on a cliffhanger last week. Chapter 14 was just too long to snark all in one go. So without yanking the rug out beneath you any more, here’s the conclusion of “The Third Species War” from my Aliens versus Predator 2 fanfic.

(from AvP: The Story, chapter XIV – The Third Species War)

The first of the Species Wars had taken place four million years before, on the same rocky ground of Lv-1201, when Aliens and Predators battled over ownership of the planet. The second Species war was fought between the Aliens and humans in 2179, on 1201’s sister planet of Lv-426, where the humans emerged the victor, but with many lives lost. But now, the ultimate war was taking place between all three species.

I only have two questions: is it on pay-per-view, and will Paul Bearer make an appearance?

Review - The Annotated AvP: The Story, part 12.0

Hear that synth? It can only mean one thing: the long delayed return of the Annotated AvP: The Story! Please forgive me for being a few days late. I had originally planned to run a review of Mama this week, but Ottawa’s current borderline-Antarctic temperatures prevented me from walking downtown, so that’ll have to wait for next week and now this week’s post is delayed and… eh, fuck it. Here’s some Godawful fan fiction.

This month, I give you my attempt at writing a full-fledged battle scene, which is of course shamefully ripped from The Lord of the Rings movies and a cop-out to boot. Do try to enjoy.

Review - The Annotated AvP: The Story, part 11

Today marks the first significant snowfall of November in Ottawa, and what better way to enjoy a cold winter’s evening than by bundling up with a blanket and a mug of rich, creamy hot chocolate and reading the latest installment in the Annotated Aliens versus Predator: The Story? Buckle up.

Interview - Jon Bois

Sports and I don’t go together. I doubt I’ve kicked a ball or made a basket since my last gym class in grade 11 and the most interested I can muster for any championship is the Winter Olympics hockey finals every four years—and even then, only if the Canadian men or women’s team is involved. If there’s a competition I follow with Superbowl levels of enthusiasm, it’s whatever election is going on at the moment.

So when I say I follow a certain sportswriter almost religiously, you know how big that is.

Louisville-based Jon Bois  has been writing for the sports blog SB Nation for the past few years with a unique focus on the absurdity of professional athleticism both on and off the field. He also writes for the recently resurrected site Progressive Boink on occasion. Recently, I had an opportunity to interview him via email on the subject of fumbles, nerdery and animated sports GIFs.

Review - The Annotated AvP: The Story, part 10

Man, it seems like ages since I wrote one of these. In spite of the almost frightening lack of quality of this lengthy work of fan fiction I wrote in grade school, I’ve come to miss it a little, like a tweaker yearning for some subpar crystal meth. So let’s jump off the wagon once again and wade into the murky terrain of the Annotated Aliens versus Predator: The Story.

Review - The Annotated AvP: The Story, part 9

EDIT: It took me a while and a lot of copy-pasting, but I got this month's edition of The Annotated AvP looking presentable. Let us never speak of this again.

This month's dissection of that shitty AvP fanfic I wrote as a pretten is going to be extra special. Assisting me in this venture is Riley Byrne, who when he isn't PhotoShopping inappropriate captions onto Renaissance paintings is talking some sense into music at Justifiable Culturecide.

Interview - Cameron "Josef K." Suey

While I’m averse to anything remotely resembling risk in real life, I adore horror fiction in any medium, and masochistically enjoy the feelings of tension and paranoia resulting from a particularly effective work. Creepypasta is a font for these types of stories, though admittedly it’s a kind of “diamonds in the rough situation,” with a lot of its content originating from that cesspool of a message board, 4chan. But working late on a lonely winter night a year and a half ago, one of the site’s aforementioned jewels caught my eye: “Zero,” by Josef K., the deeply unnerving apologia of a nihilistic survivalist unleashing a viral plague upon the human race. Intrigued by the short story’s pessimistic, “no turning back” tone, I decided to click the author link and check out more of Josef’s work on his site. Roughly an hour later, I was steadfastly hammering out the rest of my essay, eyes solely on the computer screen and not daring to look toward the nearest window. I had just finished the story “Exit,” and was terrified at the thought of so much as glancing at those panes, only to see some long, pale face staring back.

The author inadvertently responsible for ruining my sleep on several occasions is not actually the protagonist of one of Franz Kafka’s unfinished novels but Cameron Suey, a 33-year-old husband, father and video game producer based out of San Francisco. When he hasn’t been working on Star Wars: The Force Unleashed and its sequel, Suey has crafted some of the scariest stories I’ve ever read. He was also kind to answer a few questions about writing, perspective and inspiration I sent to him via email.

Review - The Annotated AvP: The Story, part 8

Okay, let's get this over with.

Welcome to part eight of my annotations on the Aliens versus Predator 2 fan fic adaptation I wrote in late grade school. Chances are if you're reading this, you've probably been following along for most of it so you don't really need to be filled in. You've seen the shoddy prose, the hamhanded characterization, the clumsy dialogue, all of it. But brothers and sisters, believe me when I say the whole bloody affair hasn't gone off the rails until now. At this point, approximately in grade 8, I thought, "You know, Monolith made a pretty damn good game, but I know I can make this story better."

So I went to town.

Sorry if the formatting is off this week. Switching over to a new computer and I don't have Word installed yet. Cheers, everyone.

Review - The Annotated AvP: The Story, part 7

Man, that was a long month. I was actually starting to miss this. Yes, it’s time for the seventh installment of the Annotated Aliens versus Predator: The Story. When we last left off, the xenomorphs had proven their capacity for advanced language, had broken into Weyland-Yutani’s Forward Observation Pods and driven Dr. Eisenberg into a mild, temporary state of insanity—all thanks to the Marines overriding a pretty poorly designed security system. And that’s going to give you a good idea of how awkward every character interaction in this chapter is going to be.

Review - "WELCOME TO EARF"

Last Wednesday, for shits and giggles, I sat down in front of my laptop and put on Roland Emmerich’s 1996 blockbuster, Independence Day, as a way of celebrating Canada’s southern neighbours. With my trusty companion, a bottle of wine, I liveblogged the whole experience, and this week I’m posting this pseudo-review, with timestamps, in its entirety. Enjoy.

Review - The Annotated AvP: The Story, part 6

It’s the last Monday of the month, which means two things: 1.) make sure you have enough money for rent, and 2.) aww fuck it’s another edition of the Annotated Aliens versus Predator: The Story. Sit back and crack open a bottle of Thunderbird while we take a look at my grade school stab at the art of adaptation. This month’s chapter takes place minutes after the last, when the worst security system ever designed shut down the defences around Weyland-Yutani’s main lab complex on LV-1201.

Review - The Annotated AvP: The Story, part 5

Hoping for some quality writing this week? Well, you’re shit out of luck. It’s the last Monday of the month, which means it’s time to critique yet another chapter of the Aliens versus Predator fan fiction novel I wrote in grades 7 and 8. This week we’ll continue to follow Corporal Andrew Harrison and his USCM comrades as they venture through Alien-occupied territory toward safe haven. Prepare yourself for overly detailed descriptions of facility layouts.

Review - The Annotated AvP: The Story, part 4

It’s the end of the month, folks. Pour a stiff one and steel yourselves as we venture down memory lane and into the breach once more and plumb the depths of my preteen self’s attempt at fanfiction. This month, we tackle the sixth chapter of AvP: The Story, wherein we’re introduced to this novella’s United States Colonial Marine protagonist, Corporal Andrew Harrison. Be prepared for a 12-year-old’s embarrassing recreation of Marine lingo.

Review - The Annotated AvP: The Story, part 3

It’s the end of the month, which means another sample of and commentary on that terrible Aliens vs. Predator fanfiction novel I wrote in late grade school. When we last left our Predator protagonist, the accurately named Swift-Death, he had just disposed of several questionably intelligent human soldiers and was about to pursue those who had incapacitated and captured his fellow hunters. Let’s see where this takes him, shall we?

Review - The Annotated AvP: The Story, part 2

Last month, I opened up the Pandora’s Box that was my 13-year-old self’s attempt at writing a novel. Without spoiling too much, it’s an adaptation of the excellent computer game Aliens versus Predator 2 and an unintentionally hilarious example of fan fiction at its near worst—though not the absolute worst. Thankfully, late grade school me had little interest in crafting harrowing slash fiction, unlike some of the borderline sexual deviants prowling the Web. Make no mistake, however: it’s thoroughly terrible, so much that I felt this poor excuse for literature deserved a Mystery Science Theatre 3000-esque treatment.

This week, I’ve selected some of the funniest/weirdest/most embarrassing moments from AvP: The Story, focusing on the introduction of the Predator protagonist, the aptly-named Swift-Death.